On December 28, 2011, FightingIrishFan1111 wrote, I am one of those people who loves to use adjectives, but I think I use too many adjectives! For example, is it better to say: “Her hair was brown”, rather than “her luscious, long hair was auburn with flecks of dark mahogany”? I think I over-write some characteristics of my characters! Any suggestions about how to approach looks, personality, and other descriptions would be great!
So, “her hair was brown” is dull. “Her luscious, long hair was auburn with flecks of dark mahogany” is over the top, in my opinion. How can we make both of them work?
Marnie is dressing for a party and feeling a shade insecure about her appearance. When she’s done she asks her two goldfish what they think and narrates their answers. Goldfish #1 says, “The bedroom light brings out the flecks of dark mahogany in Marnie’s luscious, long auburn hair and reflects the twinkle in her sky blue eyes.” Goldfish #2 says, “Nothing to write home about. Brown hair, blue eyes like a million other girls at a thousand other parties.”
What’s happened? We hauled in character development. Marnie is balanced in her uncertainty. There’s that positive side that thinks she may actually look great and the negative that’s blaring Ordinary! This is, as they say, relatable.
If we see Marnie from the outside only, whether she’s gorgeous or unremarkable, we’re unlikely to connect. Most readers (not all) want to know what a character looks like, but they want to get acquainted with her inner life as well, and they’ll probably welcome a peek into the intersection of the two.
The adjectives work in this example, too. They’re not coming from an author piling them on, they’re issuing from the mouths of goldfish.
Notice I don’t put Marnie in front of a mirror. She probably does look in one, but mirrors as a vehicle of physical description (and as portals to another world) are so overused that we want to stay away from them unless we can come up with something fresh (as I hope I did in Fairest).
How to introduce appearance?
You can do it directly in narration. When your main character first encounters another character she can note her impressions in her narration. Here’s how Elodie does it in Beloved Elodie when she meets the only other child in the book, Master Robbie:
An artist could have sketched his face almost entirely in straight lines: the head a triangle ending in a pointed chin, smaller triangle for his nose, a horizontal slash for his unsmiling mouth, two angled strokes for the shadows under his cheeks, roof peaks for his eyebrows, curved lines only for his dark blue eyes and for the dot of pink that bloomed at the tip of his nose, caused by chill or a cold or weeping. Weeping, I thought. He wore mourning beads, too.
Take a look at the adjectives here: straight, pointed, smaller, horizontal, unsmiling, angled, roof, curved, dark, blue, mourning. Eleven words out of eighty-five, over ten percent. I don’t know if that’s a lot or not. And the adverbs: almost, entirely, only. Just three. When I started becoming a writer I often read that writers should keep the adjectives and adverbs to a minimum and that verbs and nouns are the strong parts of speech in English.
It’s good advice when it isn’t followed slavishly. We need all our words.
Let’s distinguish among adjectives. Generally I prefer ones that convey information. In my description of Master Robbie mine do; straight, pointed, etc., show him to the reader. I never call him handsome or ugly. I don’t say those dark blue eyes are attractive. Handsome, beautiful, attractive, luscious are adjectives I rarely use unless they’re spoken by goldfish or goldfish equivalents. If a narrator tells me, Marnie was beautiful, I want to know in what way? Who thinks so? What does her beauty mean for the story?
If the story requires it, we may need to tell the reader about Marnie’s beauty. If her beauty is important for developing character, plot, or setting, go for it. You can start your story with her pulchritude, as in, Marnie was Helen-of-Troy beautiful. Paul, owner of the Venus Modeling Agency, stood up unsteadily when she came in. If there was a manual for perfection she’d meet every standard: tall but not a giraffe, thick wavy hair that glowed like polished mahogany, a nose that Da Vinci would have paid millions to paint, and eyes the color of spring. He stuttered, “The d-dermatologist is t-two d-doors d-down, sweetheart.” Even if he couldn’t control his voice he didn’t want her getting ahead of herself with him. Then we see how she reacts to this, and we’re in.
We just saw Marnie through Paul’s eyes, delivered by a third-person narrator. If Marnie is the first-person narrator, Paul can say his bit, and his mother, who’s visiting the agency, can set him straight with, “Are you blind? She doesn’t need a dermatologist. She’s stunning.” The mother can then catalog her characteristics. In this instance, the description is conveyed in dialogue.
In my The Wish, main character Wilma is drawn by a caricaturist and this is what she thinks when the artist shows her the drawing:
The first thing I saw was my teeth, popping out of my mouth, big and squared-off as piano keys. My whole face receded behind those teeth, except for my lips, which smiled insanely around my bicuspids and incisors and molars and fangs and tusks.
Then I saw my shoulders. In themselves they were fine. But they cradled my head. No neck. None. My head was like a golf ball resting on a tee. Like an egg in the palm of your hand. Like a horror movie.
I was mighty proud of this, which is an imaginative description through thoughts.
These are the three description delivery methods I can think of: thoughts, narration, dialogue. Using these, the description can be given by the POV character, by another character, or by a third-person narrator.
Sentence variety also helps to make description interesting. The verb in the two sentences, “Her hair was brown.” and “Her luscious, long hair was auburn with flecks of dark mahogany.” is to be, which gets boring pretty quick. In my The Wish example the verb to be is in there, but I’ve also used receded and cradled.
Here are some prompts using the three methods:
∙ Rebecca has been cast in a play, and she and a few other actors are meeting with the costume director. Show in dialogue the appearance of each. For a twist, if you like, imagine that the entire cast are aliens or mutants, anatomically different from us. Make the reader see them through conversation (they speak English).
∙ Ingrid has a little trouble with her temper, and she’s been sent to a program for teens who need anger management. She doesn’t want to be there, and she isn’t the best-natured person on the planet. Write her thoughts describing the others in her group.
∙ Your narrator is introducing the reader to the Shandler family. As the narration proceeds, reveal character along with appearance. Think about what each one is doing during the introduction.
Have fun, and save what you write!
gailcarsonlevine says:
Just wanted to thank everyone for their advice; From the website:
I will definitely try to apply it in the future.
Carpe Libris–Thank you so much! I have a feeling I will be referring to your example pretty often for help.
Writeforfun–Thanks for telling me about that post, it really helped!
Nora
carpelibris says:
Nora, you're welcome! I'm glad it was helpful.
gailcarsonlevine says:
From the website:
For the blog:
Nice post! I've been having problems with description lately, (nothing serious, just a spat) But I wanted to ask a question semi-related to Writeforfun's June fifteenth comment, on your post about hatred.
I'm aiming for a teen/possibly YA audience, but my MC is in the six to ten range in the first book. She's extremely mature for her age, so she pretty much acts like a fourteen-year-old. The series is about the process of her growing up and dealing with her unique abilities. Do you think a teen (or adult) would sit through a book where the MC is so much younger than they are?
~ Cora IvyEye
Inkling says:
Wow!!! This post came right in time!!! I was having trouble with descriptions!!! =)
I've been having trouble finding someone to read my writing. I've given stuff to several friends, and all they will say is "It's good. I really like it." I can't tell if their being honest, or if their trying to spare my fealings. When I ask them to tell me ANYTHING that didn't seem right, or ask them to b as harsh as posibile, they tell me there's nothing wrong with it!Some of these people are trying to write books to! I would ask my parents, but my dad is overly blunt and will say "It's pretty good." no matter what and my mom has offered to proof-read my stuff and every time I ask her to read anything, she never comments on the plot or how it's written, just on the grammer! She keeps on insisting to read my stuff, even though it either A) Creeps her out or B) Bores her to death. She won't always admit it, but I can tell it does. Does anyone know of any way I can get some REAL critisim?
@Cora IvyEye- I'm a teenager, & I wouldn't have any problems reading a book about a six year old! Espicialy if she acts overly mature! If you write it right, it could be really funny! Sonora was one of my favorit characters in "The Princess Tales!" I was one of those kids that acted older than I was (I still kinda do!) and my mom used to say I was four going on fourty! Feel free to use that if ya need to! 😉
Agnes says:
@Cora IvyEye- As a sixth grader with three little sisters (and another sibling coming) I love reading books about kids younger than myself. Also a book about a more mature child would interest me, I tried my my best to follow the 2008 election when I was 8, now I am closely following 2012…
marveloustales says:
I'm going to be terribly excited when I get to that paragraph of Master Robbie someday reading Beloved Elodie. 🙂
"It’s good advice when it isn’t followed slavishly. We need all our words." YES. Just…yes!
gailcarsonlevine says:
Cora IvyEye–The YA novel WHAT JAMIE SAW is told from the POV of an eight-year old, and it won a Newbery honor, so this can be absolutely fine.
Inkling–If you're not home-schooled, there may be a writing club at your school (probably in the fall), or you can form one, and you may find other writers at the school's newspaper or literary magazine. If you are home schooled, ask your public librarian for help. Or if there's a home school organization, see what you can get going there. It may take a while to cultivate the kind of critics who are most helpful for you.
Heather Ostler says:
Gail,
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate these posts. Thank you so much for taking the time to help other writers! I feel that often successful authors grow tired of giving advice to newbie writers and eventually cut them out. Thank you for being so kind.
My book, The Shapeshifter's Secret, just came out last week. It's been a really great experience, but I am still learning a lot as I go. I have been using your advice as I write the sequel.
Thank you Thank you! You are one of my all time favorite authors.
Heather Ostler
Heatherostler.blogspot.com
E.S. Ivy says:
I found it very interesting how you showed that whether or not adjectives sound right or over the top depends on context – when done in the context of the modeling agency and describing a great beauty, "mahogany" to describe hair sounds just right. I agree with marveloustales that it is so nice not to read the over-simplified advice of "don't use adjectives!"
Congratulations Heather! Is your book MG or YA?
Heather Ostler says:
Thank you E.S. Ivy, it's YA 🙂
E.S. Ivy says:
I thought the title sounded more YA and I was right! I was just thinking about titles the other day as I scanned the new arrival shelf at the library – I was completely picking things based on the spine title and font, and then the cover. They are more important than we realize, I think. I came up with a really cool title that everyone liked for my book, but I think it sounded more YA than MG and gave people the wrong impression so I eventually changed it.
YA is a great genre to be writing in right now!
carpelibris says:
Congratulations, Heather!
Heather Ostler says:
Thank you!
gailcarsonlevine says:
Heather Ostler–Thanks! And CONGRATULATIONS!!!
7355lyn says:
Dear Mrs. Levine,
I don't know if writing about a real place in a work of fiction that we have never visited before is too 'risky'?
Please reply!
gailcarsonlevine says:
7355lyn–I don't know. If you research carefully it may be fine. Any thoughts, anyone?
gailcarsonlevine says:
From the website:
Hi,
I'm Katie and I love your books- especially the two princesses of bamarre and ella enchanted. I love the way there's a whole world inside of them. Guess what, I started my own blog on writing. It's called Pen to Paperback and is on blogger.com. Please visit!!!
#2; Three questions
What about romantic fights?
And revising?
I'm on the second draft of a book I'm writing and…… what do you do in revising?
And what about bringing a former villian in as a friend, how do you do that?
yeah…
Have fun writing Beloved Elodie!
~Katie
gailcarsonlevine says:
Katie–I'm not sure what you mean by "romantic fights." Please explain, and maybe I or someone else will have suggestions. I've written posts on revising. If they're not helpful, please ask more questions. Bringing a former villain in as a friend seems possible. How you do it depends on your story.
Heather Ostler says:
Thank you!
capng says:
7355lyn-
It depends. If it's in a place like India, any mistakes you made would probably get caught by a friend or editor before it was published. However, I've read a few books set in Bar Harbor, Maine, which is one of my favorite places in the world, and some of them are sadly dissapointing. Rick Riordan is the worst offender. There's a small part in the beginning of book three where they're there, and I know it's winter and there's a storm out, but there's nowhere in Bar Harbor where you could put a sinister boarding school. Teh Daughters of the Sea series, on the other hand, is entirely set in the same place, though this author clearly did her reasearch. So if its a place that's not well known, but some people know and love it, I'd suggest visiting it or reasearching it very carefully.
Inkling says:
I'm not homeschooled, but I go to a VERY small school (about 250 kids in HS and Elem) and we don't even have a newspaper. That's why it's been so hard for me to try to find someone to read my writing. I'd LOVE to start a writing group, but most of the kids at my school are only interested in sports. =(